Warning: This post may be sensitive to some readers.
You Are Always Look So Happy
Even the happiest-looking people, with their radiant smiles and infectious laughter, are not immune to experiencing the darkest moments life can throw at them. Behind their seemingly perfect exteriors, these individuals may hide a multitude of pain, fear, and anguish. It is often in these moments, when their cheerful facade shatters, that their vulnerability becomes evident.
These individuals may find themselves grappling with depression, anxiety, or even thoughts of self-harm or even taking their own life. The contrast between their outward appearance and inner turmoil can be stark, serving as a reminder that appearances can be deceiving.
The human experience is a complex tapestry, and what we see on the surface is often just the tip of the iceberg. People often start masking their true feelings, putting on a brave face to shield themselves from judgment or pity. It's a defense mechanism, a way to maintain a sense of normalcy in a world that can often feel chaotic and unpredictable.
Behind the smiles and laughter, there may be a hidden world of anxieties, fears, and insecurities. It's easy to make assumptions based on appearances, but these assumptions can be incredibly misleading.
We may see someone who seems to have it all together and assume that their life is easy, but we have no idea what challenges they may be facing behind closed doors. They may be dealing with financial difficulties, health problems, relationship issues, or any number of other struggles that they choose to keep private.
It’s a truth that many of us endure, often in silence.
The Depressive Trance
Depression influences your thoughts deeply; it can create feelings of losing control or even losing sight of yourself entirely. Yet it is precisely during these bleak times when the light from genuine friendship and love shines brightest. That's why it's crucial to surround yourself with those who hear you when you are silent because those are the ones who will save your life.
Recently, I fell victim to my depression and nearly took my own life. A combination of depression, and Keppra, which can both have wild effects on the mind, overwhelmed me.
The thoughts that invaded my mind were relentless, each one chipping away at my sense of security and belonging.
"I don't need you anymore," planting seeds of doubt and isolation.
"I have others I can turn to," words laced with betrayal and abandonment.
"I don't know who you are anymore," shattering the image of familiarity and trust I once held dear.
These thoughts, once fleeting whispers, grew louder and more insistent with each passing moment. They echoed through the chambers of my mind, their volume increasing until they became a deafening roar that drowned out all other thoughts and emotions.
The constant barrage of negativity and self-doubt plunged me into a depressive trance, a heavy fog that settled over my entire being.
My body felt heavy and sluggish, as if it were weighed down by the immense burden of my despair. My thoughts were slow and muddled, my movements lethargic and uncoordinated. The world around me seemed to fade into a blur, its colors muted and its sounds muffled. I was trapped in a prison of my own mind, the walls closing in around me with each negative thought that took hold.
I was done with life, as I felt I was a burden to all of those around me. As mentioned before, depression can do some crazy things. I punched and shattered a mirror because I no longer liked the person who stared back and I also ended up hitting myself in the face causing myself to bleed from my nose and possibly breaking my own nose, because I was just done.
In the midst of this turmoil, my husband Adam recognized the gravity of the situation. Without hesitation, he reached out to my best friend, Ryan, who dropped everything to rush to my side. Their support was nothing short of a lifeline, and I am forever grateful for their presence during such a critical moment.
They both were able to bring me back from the brink and guide me away from the abyss that threatened to consume me. Their presence at that moment was like a beacon of light cutting through the darkness.
They were more than just friends or family; they were my anchors, my confidantes, the ones who truly understood the depths of my despair and the complexities of my struggles. They never judged, never wavered, never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself.
After talking things through, cooling down, and getting some much-needed rest, Adam and Ryan encouraged me to confront my reflection once more. They urged me to look in the mirror and say, "I am not a burden."
At first, it felt impossible. But with their unwavering support, I found the strength to face myself in the mirror and utter those words.
Finding Light In Darkness
Sometimes, your support team changes.
It can feel as if community members, family, and even care teams can leave you on the sidelines, struggling to get up after you’ve helped and overextended yourself to the point of running ragged. It’s the real ones—those who recognize your silent struggles and offer a helpful hand—who truly make a difference when everyone else seems to turn away.
I believe in the power of openness and honesty.
Sharing our experiences can illuminate the path for others who are facing similar struggles. It's a way to show compassion and create a sense of community, reminding everyone that they're not alone in their battles.
Seeking help is a sign of strength, and you don't have to face your challenges alone.
Together, we can find light in the darkness.
When I felt too weak to stand on my own, Adam and Ryan were there to hold me up, reminding me that I am not a burden to others and that I truly deserve to be here and I will forever be grateful.
I’m happy to share that I have been in a much better headspace and have been able to secure the appointments I need to continue my healing journey as well as change away from Keppra to manage my seizures.
My name is Jaycee Knox, and I am not a burden!
If you find yourself struggling, please remember that there are people who care about you and want to help. Don't hesitate to reach out to them.
If you feel there is no one you can turn to, reach out so someone who cares and wants to help by calling or texting 988. You can also chat in by going to www.988lifeline.org
The 988 Lifeline is free, confidential and available 24/7 all year round.
If you have friends or loved ones around that you trust, lean on them for support.
They can provide:
Comfort
Guidance
A listening ear
Understanding
Judgment Free Atmosphere
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